How to keep out the weeds

I pulled the following text from a lawn care website. They had a section on lawn care tips and as I read it, it reminded me of marriage. 

"Contrary to popular belief, dandelions cannot be effectively prevented. They can only be controlled when they're actively growing. The best defense against weeds is a thick carpet of grass - so thick it doesn't give the weed seeds a chance to sprout. That's one reason Scott's LawnService® focuses on improving your lawn's turf density. And during the growing season we constantly monitor your lawn for new weeds and knock them out if they appear."

So how do I relate this to marriage? There are many weeds out there that threaten marriage. Children, work, career, friends, family, and anything that directs your time and attention away from your spouse or creates stress, challenge and at times upheaval. You can't prevent them, you wouldn't necessarily want to prevent them. Many of these "weeds" are blessings in your life. But how do you control for them so that they don't penetrate the turf of your marriage? Like the lawn care guy says, you have to keep the turf so thick that weeds don't have a chance to sprout. 

So how do you keep the turf of your marriage thick? 

There are so many different ways: 

Take time out for each other to laugh and play together

Make your marriage a priority and don't let other life obligations get in the way of spending time together

Talk through difficulties with one another with kindness, a loving heart and an open mind (be willing to listen to and understand your partner's perspective). 

Share your appreciations of your partner on a regular basis

Do the little things each day that let your partner know you love and cherish them

Don't take each other for granted

Have a sense of humor with one another and don't take yourselves too seriously

Always maintain a sense of good-will and compassion for your partner

Again, doing these things won't prevent the normal ups and downs in marriage, but they will work to prevent those ups and downs from tearing through the turf. 

He cheated, she forgave him, how did they overcome infidelity?

When Shannon and Toby first came into my office for marriage counseling, they had already begun the healing process. They were talking more and sharing more than they ever had in their marriage before. They were already using this very painful experience to grow as individuals and as a couple.

Toby grew up in a family where there was a lot of screaming and fighting. Things would go from quiet and peaceful to extremely stressful in a short amount of time and these outbursts between his parents were unpredictable. He also described himself as the kid other kids made fun of. Because of this he came to avoid conflict at all costs in his own marriage. If things got loud, he felt very unsafe and would shut down. In his marriage, he would stuff his feelings and rarely share himself for fear of that conflict or rejection.

During a period of time when Shannon was working a lot, he began to feel she didn't care about him. Because he avoided, this was not something he shared with her. During this time he was contacted by an ex from college. She came on strong because to her, he was the one that got away. He was seduced by the level of desire she had for him and slowly crossed the boundary from friendship into an affair. This affair lasted for one year. At times he tried to break it off, but she would threaten him with telling his wife. He didn't want to tell his wife because he assumed she would not understand, and she would leave him. While there are times that affairs occur because of lack of love for a spouse, this is not always the case. In this case, Toby loved his wife very much and did not want to lose her. He wasn't sure how he got himself into such a mess and for a period of time was in denial of what he was doing.

When Shannon found out about the affair, she did not get angry and lash out. She wanted to understand why. She made a decision from the start that she was committed to her marriage, and although she was hurting and had angry feelings, she wanted to do what needed to be done to make it work.

Toby was equally committed. He felt a sense of relief at his secret being out, his guilt, shame and regret came to the surface and he was willing to do anything to rebuild his marriage and to understand himself and why he would make such an awful choice. Toby was surprised by Shannon's calm reaction and commitment. It instantly made him realize how lucky he was and what he almost lost. He devoted himself to understanding why he did what he did and began the work of making amends and rebuilding trust.

Shannon asked a lot of questions. Toby readily answered her questions with caring, openness and honesty. Together they explored the reasons for the affair and this is what they identified: he felt inadequate financially evidenced by his wife needing to work two jobs, she's very independent and he began to feel unnecessary, he avoided being open with her, he was closed off in his marriage, he felt neglected, he had a fear of rejection, failure and loss. Both of them understood that exploring these things was not an excuse for the affair, but helped bring about understanding for the purpose of growth, healing and prevention from affairs in the future.

Toby began to open up in ways that he never did before. Shannon's caring responses and refrain from lash outs made it a safe place for Toby to grow in this way. His continued openness and honesty began to restore Shannon's sense of trust and safety in the relationship. In this regard they were working together to heal and strengthen their relationship. Shannon realized early on that even though it was Toby that committed this damaging act, it would take both of them to heal from it. They both worked at making their marriage a priority, carving out time for intimate connection, and committing to being responsible for their own happiness.

Some people may read this story and think, "Not me, I would never forgive my spouse for cheating." Infidelity happens in good marriages and to good people. It is tremendously damaging and not to be excused. It is important for the cheating spouse to take accountability for their actions and show remorse and a willingness to make amends for a marriage to begin to heal. Healing can and does happen. Both Shannon and Toby, while not being thankful for the pain of the affair, are thankful for the opportunity it provided for them to grow individually, spiritually and as a couple. They vow they would never go back to the kind of marriage they had before and are thankful for the strong marriage they have now.

Married people in the minority?

Since the new US Census has been released, there is a lot of buzz that in many states around the country, married couples are, for the first time, in the minority. What does this mean?

Research is showing that many couples are co-habitating instead of getting married. Many pundits in the media are stating that marriage is dying. This is not necessarily true. People today still want to find that special someone to grow old with. The problem is the divorce rate is still so high that people fear getting married. They don't want to become another statistic. And people who are married, are quiting on their marriage too easily.

So how can you avoid being part of the divorce statistic?

If you are not yet married and are still seeking that special someone, don't only follow your heart. Your heart can lead you places that are not healthy for you and can blind you to the characteristics of a person that will later be problematic in marriage. This doesn't mean don't follow your heart at all, but balance it with following your head. Do the work of understanding yourself, working on having a solid sense of who you are and what you want out of life. Don't be afraid to be choosy in finding a mate. Take your time getting to know one another before taking that important life step.

If you aren't married and have already found that special someone, do pre-martial counseling. It can save you a lot of heart ache in the long run. Many of us weren't given the greatest role models for marriage. Many adults today are children of divorce. By getting some help from a professional, you can learn important tools for conflict resolution, communication, expectations, and other important information to navigate marriage successfully. Read books together, like The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, or The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. These books help outline some important factors in having a strong and healthy marriage.

If you are already married, don't neglect the needs of your marriage. Keep courting one another and don't take each other for granted. Continue daily gestures that show love and appreciation to your partner. Marriage is work. Just because you aren't getting along, or it seems the passion has faded, doesn't mean you have to be headed for divorce. It means you have some work to do. Don't wait until resentment and hurt feelings are to the degree that you are ready to sign divorce papers. If you find yourselves struggling, seek help. Whether it be your pastor or a licensed counselor, getting outside intervention can be what is needed to get past the rough spots. One marriage at a time, we can change this statistic and put marriage back in the majority.

On The Brink of Divorce: how they recovered

Often times couples find themselves so emotionally exhausted from the issues that plague their relationship, they look for a way out and make the decision to file for divorce. Many times the couple is made up of two people who still love each other, but they just don’t know how to get along with each other. They don’t necessarily want out of the marriage, but they want out of the pain and frustration and think divorce must be the answer.

For this particular couple, they were in very damaging cycle in their relationship and did not know how to break out of it. They had already begun the divorce process at the time they came in for counseling.

In the first session, they were unable to be productive because they were so caught up blaming each other that they could not see their own part in the cycle. They decided to separate. During their separation, they continued individual counseling.

Jim was a laid back person who often became passive in his relationship. He defaulted to Denise to make all the decision making in order to make her happy. She was a strong-willed and demanding person, so whatever she wanted, he gave in, even if he didn’t want to. He rarely communicated to her his own thoughts or desires. When he would try, she would get angry. Since he didn’t like conflict, he would not stand up for himself, he would back down and let her “win”. In doing individual work, he realized that his own passivity allowed her to control the relationship. He was blaming her for the resentment he felt and the degree to which he lost himself in his marriage. He began to realize his own level of responsilibity in allowing this to happen. He was able to be accountable and learn how to put a voice to his thoughts and feelings and cope with the intense emotions that sometimes accompany conflict, and to realize that he cannot be responsible for his wife’s emotions.

Denise, in her own work, realized that she made it very difficult for Jim to be open with her. She would complain at him that he never participates in decision making, but when he would participate she would criticize his ideas. Initially she was unable to see she was doing this because she was stuck in the perception that she was right. She realized she was expecting Jim to read her mind and know what she needed and wanted, and when he didn’t meet her expectations, she would become angry and resentful at him. She began to realize how she would set him up to fail with this way of thinking.

After 4 months of separation and individual counseling, Jim and Denise moved back in with one another and began again with couples counseling. The atmosphere or their relationship was completely different. They were no longer blaming and attacking each other, but were much more willing to listen to and understand one another with compassion and without contempt. They were excited about their new relationship and felt like they were falling in love all over again. Something they never thought possible 4 months prior.

For this couple, separation helped them take some space to recognize their love for each other, and recognize their own part in the patterns of conflict they were encountering which allowed them to make changes necessary to break the cycle. 

Sometimes couples see only 2 options, stay in a miserable marriage, or get a divorce. There is a 3rd option, turning the marriage into what you want it to be.

A story of healing from infidelity

In continuing my work to share stories of couples who sit on my couch, it is my goal to provide hope and encouragment out there to those who are struggling in their marriage.

Infidelity is one of the most painful and difficult challenges for a couple to work through because it pulls the floor of safety and security right out from under you. But the marriage can be restored. In fact, it can be better than before. It's been said that time heals all wounds. When it comes to infidelity, time is certainly a factor, but it's not the only one. There is work to be done in that time to restore trust, emotional safety and connection to the relationship. Time alone won't solve those problems.

This story is about a young couple I'll call Tom and Suzanne (fictitious names, of course). Suzanne had lost her father at a young age which left her feeling abandoned. She grew up never having felt "good enough". When she married Tom, she had a lot of insecurities and needed a lot of approval. Because of this she avoided conflict like the plague. She was afraid if Tom got upset with her, he would abandon her. He would see the qualities that she saw in herself and he would not want to be with her any longer. Because of this fear, she manipulated herself to please him, never really being authentic. As some years past, she felt a loss of her sense of self.

Along came an older, attractive co-worker who showed her a lot of positive attention. With him she could really be herself because there was no fear of loss. With him she didn't have anything, so she had nothing to lose and in that, she felt free. The relationship progressed into a physical affair.

In counseling, along with healing from the affair and rebuilding trust, Suzanne had to do a lot of individual work to understand her pain and fear and how it created problems in her relationship.

Tom had difficulty understanding how Suzanne could claim to love him and still have an affair. Through exploration, he was able to understand that it was her deep love for him that made her so afraid, which was what created some of the pull of the affair. He worked to find compassion for her fears and pain while also working to heal his own.

Suzanne had to take responsibility for the poor choice she made in her marriage. She had to work toward making amends and rebuilding trust. The affair made her feel even worse about herself than she felt in the first place, so she had to do a lot of work in forgiving herself and building up her sense of self. She took on the challenge of addressing issues in the marriage by being open and honest about her thoughts and feelings with Tom. Understanding her fears, Tom worked to create an emotionally safe place for Suzanne to share. He worked on being a good listener and not reacting negatively to the vulnerabilities that Suzanne exposed.

Together they built a more open, connected relationship through sharing, compassion, listening and working to understand one another. It took time and practice and while neither Tom nor Suzanne would have wished for the affair to happen, the growth that came from the experience helped them create a marriage that they are both very grateful for.

A marriage counseling story

This is my second month writing the stories of couples who come through my doors. As I stated in my first article, not every story will be a success story. But I hope each one is one that you can learn from. I hope to bring to light the struggles of many couples so others might realize they are not alone.

This story is not the story of one couple, but a story that I have seen repeated one too many times. (Names are fictional).

Joe and Mary have been married for 18 years. They have two children who are now 13 and 16 years old. Joe is a hard worker and dedicates himself to his career. He believes that by providing well for his family, he is doing his job as a husband and father. He puts in 60 to 80 hours a week and has for the last 20 years. He has done quite well in his career and provides a nice lifestyle for his wife and kids.

Mary has been a dedicated wife and mother and has poured herself into taking care of her family. But there has always been something missing. She feels disconnected from Joe. Over the years, their intimacy has suffered a slow and steady death. For the first 10 years or so, she excused it by telling herself that Joe works so hard and he is a good husband and father, so she let it go. Every once in a while she would bring up how she was feeling. She would tell Joe of her needs. She would explain that she needs more attention, more affection, wishes they did more things together as a couple and as a family. Joe would try for a couple weeks and then things would go back to the way they were. Sometimes he would get angry and accuse her of not appreciating how hard he works for this family, is that not enough for her?

Mary would feel guilty and go back to quietly accepting that her marriage is unfulfilling.

Now at the 18th year, after this same frustration recycling itself over and over again, Mary has had enough. She has begun to feel ignored and resentful. Her needs never being met and Joe never really hearing her, she tells Joe she wants a divorce.

Joe's response is one laden with fear and panic. He loves his wife and does not want to lose her or his family. He tells her he will do anything to make it work. He apologizes for all the years of neglect and promises he will change his ways. The threat of divorce is a wake up call and he now realizes and acknowledges that he has put too much of himself into his work and not enough into his marriage. He is now willing to go to counseling, even though for years she begged him to go and he refused.

Her response is, it's too late. She comes to counseling out of pity and guilt because she feels terrible that it has come to this. She feels sad about ending the marriage but she has tried and tried for so many years, she slowly gave up. She blames herself for ending the marriage, although she didn't get to this place alone, it's still her that's making the choice. She's afraid the children and her family will blame her.

Counseling does not work because she has already checked out of the marriage. She is emotionally worn and has nothing left to give to make it work.

I tell this story because I see it often. We live in a culture where, often, men are groomed to work hard, make a lot of money, this is the definition of success. Men often get detached from their own emotions during the years of their upbringing, which makes it difficult for them to learn to connect intimately in their relationships.

This is a call to action for men to realize their family needs more from them besides a paycheck. Providing for a family doesn't stop at money. That may be part of it, but it needs to be balanced with providing emotionally as well. Your wife, your children, they need your presence. You are important to them and need to be engaged in their world. Needs in a marriage not only need to be expressed, they need a response. An ongoing response of love, time, committment and attention.

Marriage Counseling Success Story

This is the first in a series I am starting. The series is going to involve couples stories. Some of them will be success stories, and some of them not. But each of them will give you a glimpse into what other couples struggle with. I think you'll find that you are not alone in your own struggles. I hope that from reading these stories, you find insight into your own marriage and how to make improvements. These stories come from my experiences in counseling couples. In my 4 years of practice, I have treated over four hundred couples. To protect the confidentiality of those involved, names are not used. I will also leave out certain details or edit parts of the story so that the couple cannot be identified and confidentiality is maintained.

Remember to like my facebook page, follow me on Twitter or Linkedin, or subscribe to my rss feed so that you can keep up with the series. 
 

This story is about a couple that has been married 12 years. They have 2 children ages 7 and 10. They started out like any ordinary couple, fell in love, got married and had kids. She immersed herself in the role of mother and wife. He worked full-time and saw his role as provider. He was involved in his kids lives, but not to the full extent that his wife was. She became a stay-at-home mom and was devoted to the kids. During the 10 years of parenthood, these two didn't take a whole lot of time to be alone with one another. Everything they did was with or for the kids. Being a full-time mom, she rarely took time for herself and when she did she felt guilty. She wanted more help from her husband but never asked for this because 1. she shouldn't need help, she should be able to manage on her own like a good mother should and 2. he should know he needs to help out more, she shouldn't have to tell him. Slowly over the years, resentment built up inside of her that she never communicated to her husband. Well, she would communicate subtly, but not in any way that he was able to register and respond to. After 10 years of this, she hit burnout. She began going out and disregarding how her actions impacted her family. She went into an emotional crisis and began acting opposite of her normal self and began taking time for herself, away from her family in large doses. She then met a man that showed interest in her and she engaged in an emotional affair. (It was caught before it got physical). Upon her husband's discovery, they entered into counseling.

She was seething with bitterness toward her husband for his lack of help around the house all these years. He was confused. He worked and felt he did his part and had no idea that she was so angry with him. He was hurt and upset by her emotional affair, no longer had trust and became insecure in the relationship. As they began to dig into their marriage to understand why the affair happened, she was able to stop blaming her husband and take a harder look at herself. She began to uncover the faulty thinking that was behind her own behaviors. She realized the affair was an escape from dealing with the realities of her marriage. She avoided conflict which was part of how things got this far. She had a negative relationship with her own mother and was giving herself the message that she had to be perfect in order to be good enough. She expected her husband to step up even though she never communicated her needs to him. So her husband was oblivious to his wife's unhappiness and completely taken off guard by the affair and her admission that she was carrying so much resentment toward him. He also avoided conflict. He realized over the years he may have read the signs of her discontent, but he turned away from it to avoid causing conflict and their disconnection grew slowly over time.

At the time they came into counseling, they were on the brink of divorce. With two children, they didn't want to go this road, but they were both in so much pain, they didn't know how they were going to make it work. They engaged in counseling on a weekly basis for 6 months and then did monthly check-ins for 6 months after that and they not only succeeded in taking their marriage off the ledge, but they feel happier and healthier and are experiencing a new relationship with one another.

How did they do it? She worked at understanding her own faulty thinking. She realized she doesn't have to spend every minute with her children to be a loving mother. She realized that she is allowed to take time for herself and doesn't have to feel guilty about it. She worked on communicating her needs to her husband, and he listened and was responsive. He realized he needs to do more than just provide financially and is taking a much more active role in parenting the kids and helping around the house. She was able to acknowledge the pain she caused with her emotional affair and together they worked to understand why it happened, how to prevent it and together they found forgiveness. She became transparent so he could begin to regain a sense of trust. And when anything went awry, they talked about it together openly, honestly and with love and kindness. So overall, through their experience and the counseling process, they were able to learn to communicate with one another, expressing their needs and becoming responsive to one another, they were able to forgive and rebuild trust, they learned a great deal about themselves and each other and in the end created a marriage that they both feel good to be a part of.